Coming of Age
Tomorrow I turn 18. I’ve had mixed feelings of anticipation of this age for a while, but I do feel rather calm now that it’s here. I think my main thought constantly heading towards this day of adulthood is that I never wanted to miss anything. I wanted to fill 17 (and those ages that preceded it) to the fullest. 18 was on the horizon on my 15th birthday, yet stilll seemed so distant. I remember distinctly feeling like 15 was the last age where I wasn’t thinking about growing up. I now fondly remember that separate universe of being 12-15 and frenziedly try to hold on to the spirit of being 16-17. I feel calmer, more slowed down now as I realize the perspective that this, this uneasy yet energetically charged feeling, is just part of life. Just part of growing up. Will I miss this last facade of innocence of 17? Yes. But would I trade this movement for stagnancy?
I don’t know what its going to be like to watch a show about high school and realize they are younger than me. That I’ve passed the point of living like they do. I know I’ve constructed quite the romanticized view of high school and childhood, and as much as it weighs on me, it inspire me, and I love it. I rather have a feeling I’ll carry this romanticization throughout life. It just feels odd, growing pains one might say, to pass a stage I’ve always looked up to.
I think it’s cathartic for me to take a trip through my inspirations throughout the years (really this is a diary entry). Starting off I have to recognize The Princess Diaries. First watching the second movie when I was around 8, I thought that was all there was. I was pleasantly surprised later to learn I had skipped the original. These movie are a favorite among my friends, and I’ve watched it probably in the double digits of times. Of course I’ve read the numerous installments in the book series, and Mia will forever hold a place in my heart. Whether scootering up a hill in her uniform not dissimilar to my own, to coning Lana, and finding her own place, I know I will continue to grow my watch count of these movies.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants often ties with The Princess Diaries for favorite movies and books, and has a similar origin story. I watched the movies first, also with my friends, and then turned to the book series. Ann Brashares puts what I sometimes can’t describe into words, and I was touched even more deeply rereading the first two books this summer. I plan on reading the third book this year, having the characters in the same stage of life as me. I most definitely plan on watching Lena, Bee, Carmen, and Tibby on the screen this summer!
These two series could sum up my coming of age. What does that even mean? I’m not sure. But I feel so identified with them and so comforted. I also see these stories intertwined with my own friendships. These movies and books all feature high schoolers in the early 2000’s, when I was just a baby, and I grew up with them twice. I do think there comes a certain type of nostalgia from the characters one looks up to from such a distance, a certain nostalgia for the teenage environment one watches from a distance as a child. For me that’s the aughts.
More recently, I watched Ladybird. I’m so happy I did. It seems like a universal theme, I know I’m not special in feeling it, but the basic-ness of Ladybird’s life yet her energy and finding herself felt unique. I’ve also been admiring Justine Kurland’s series Girl Pictures. Though not new, from 2018, I’m constantly drawn to her images of tweens and teens shot at the turn of the century. Again, it takes me back to that nostalgia of aww towards generation in front of me in my early years.
These musing could have probably been more concise and less rambling but I think there’s a meaning in keeping them in their raw form. I’m lucky to grow up. I’m lucky to have my life ahead of me. Even in the near future I look forward to a sparkling teenage summer, because I’m still a teen. One day I will have to let go of that part of me, too. But right now I’m going to live in the moment. No matter how cliché that phrase is or the unkept promises I’ve dealt to it in the past, I’m here. This never ending chase to capture what I fear I’m missing truly holds a quintessential essence of girlhood. I worry I’m losing something, but can’t see that I’m in the thick of that very something. I have always had an affinity for those of the manic-pixie dream variety.
Oh all the joys of being a teenage girl.
